You Silly Wabbit!

The government is absolutely the most ineffective & inefficient organization in the history of mankind! Doesn’t matter if it’s Federal, state, city or any municipality on the face of the Earth.

Sometimes, I wouldn’t mind the inefficiency as much if they actually knew how to spell “quality”.

No, not K-W-A…

There is -0- incentive for anyone to do better. No fear of competition. No worry about going out of business.

Here’s an example, actually two (and while it has to do with the grate state of Ohio (yes, I’m an eggcelent speller!), it’s really typical of all the nonsense that we, the bosses, the taxpayers, have to endure)…

1) I got a speeding ticket in Columbus, OH (Franklin County). It clearly says on the ticket that the ONLY way to pay it is to mail in a payment or go downtown to make one in person. There is no option to pay on-line or over the phone.

I don’t pay it on time. Just because…

A few weeks pass & I get a postcard in the mail, informing me of my failure to pay. It says that I could eventually be subject to additional fees & penalties, but none have yet to be applied.

So what do I do?

I pay on-line…using the website & instructions provided on the postcard!!!

You can’t make this stuff up!

2) I get another speeding ticket. (Yes, you’re beginning to see a pattern here.)

This time, it’s in Delaware County, not Franklin County (where I lived)…they’re neighboring jurisdictions.

Again, no ability to pay on-line.

I don’t pay. (The dog ate my homework.)

This time, I get a letter from the Delaware County Courthouse, demanding payment, and they have added a $10 late fee. In addition, if my payment isn’t received by next Friday, my license will be suspended.

My faith in governmental bureaucracy is somewhat restored as they actually had the brains to charge me a late fee & threaten me with shit! However, I can’t pay on-line so I mail them a check.

About a week later, I see that the check was cashed. This was a Thursday night. The next day, Friday, was the deadline where they would suspend my license if I didn’t pay.

On Friday, I called the courthouse to verify that they, indeed, received & properly applied my payment.

The lady says that they have. Then, she proudly declares, “We update our records immediately. Our records are all on-line, you know!”

I almost asked why they didn’t simply accept on-line or phone payments, but I remembered that I hadn’t yet taken my meds for the day.

Great! I made it under the deadline!

The following Tuesday (4 days later), I GET STOPPED AGAIN FOR SPEEDING! This time, it’s in Franklin County.

The cop tells me that I’m driving with a suspended license! I explain the whole story of how my check was cashed last Thursday, of the verbal confirmation I received from Delaware County on Friday morning (before the deadline). I even show him the paid check on my Citi Mobile app. I show him my phone log of where I called Delaware County Courthouse on Friday.

Nope! The system shows my license as being suspended. Have to park my car off the shoulder of the highway (in mud, no less) & he drives me home. Now I hafta appear in court (Franklin County) for driving with a suspended license.

As it turns out, the lady at the Delaware County Courthouse was correct…my payment indeed was posted & updated on their records prior to the Friday deadline!




“You don’t have to drive the records to the state capital (Columbus)! You transmit them electronically using simple FTP process (File Transfer Protocol)! Whatever you do on Wednesday, just do it every weekday!!!”

Oh, it gets even better!

I go to Franklin County Courthouse for my hearing before Judge Ann Taylor. I’m told that she’s a monster, so I wear my orange jumpsuit in case I gotta stay awhile.

The Asst DA says my case will be the 3rd one she’ll hear this morning. I tell him that I have a bad back & can’t make it up to the witness stand…he’s says it’s OK & to just sit in the front row.

My case gets called. I explain why I can’t get up to the witness stand because I’m injured…and the “monster” judge says, “Me, too!”. She holds up her right wrist that’s wrapped in a fluorescent-green cast.

We immediately bond & exchange some chit-chat.

I explain the nonsense with my making the original speeding ticket payment before the Friday deadline, blah, blah, blah. She apologizes for giggling. And, more importantly, dismisses the suspended license charge ($250 savings!).

I offer to help out the government free of charge & give them a free day of my operational expertise to review their shops & make recommendations. I guarantee her that I’ll save them at least $10MM.

Before lunch.

Again, she giggles, mentions something about unions, thanks me for my generous offer (that she can’t accept) & says, “I like this guy!”.

“And I like you, too, your Honor!”

Now I’m facing a $165 speeding ticket & a $145 fee for “court costs”…total $310.

She says to me, “Ya know what? You put me in a really good mood this morning! I’m gonna give you a package deal! All charges for just $110!”

I say, “Did I ever tell you how nice you look in that robe? Black is very becoming! How ’bout an even $100?”

(BTW, this is all the God’s honest truth!)

She roars laughing. “OK, you got it! $100 for everything & you have a great day, sir!”

“You, too, your Honor! You’re a wonderful lady!”

When I go downstairs to pay, it gets even better! I actually turns out that I only had to pay $45.

Seems I was entitled to a refund of $55 in state fees since my suspended license charge was dropped!

That’s it.

Some of the story was to prove my point about governmental stupidity but the rest was solely for your reading pleasure!

The things I do for you guys…


As always, thank you so much for listening!

P.S. After all this stuff, I get ANOTHER speeding ticket about 6 weeks later!

And AGAIN, the cop tells me that I’m driving with a suspended license!!!

This is absolute insanity now.

I explain everything to him (I leave out the chit-chat with Judge Taylor). Don’t ask me why, but he doesn’t force me to abandon my car right there on the highway.

But now I must appear in court yet again!

I pay the speeding ticket. (Ohio, unlike Texas, does not “forgive” driving infractions if you take a defensive driving course. This is the greatest invention ever, right behind the internet & the Double Whopper w/ bacon, as nothing ever appears on your driving record as long as you successfully complete the course & pay all the associated fees! In addition, you’ll often get a discount from your insurance company for actually taking the 6-hour driving course!!!)

I get to court early and they have this registration process where you check in & if you’d like, you’re able to speak with an Asst DA before the judge comes out.

I take advantage of that opportunity.

Again, I recite my whole saga to him…paying tickets, going to court, getting charges dismissed & other penalties reduced.

Then he asks me when I brought the XYZ form (that I received the previous time I was in court) to the DPS/Department of Public Safety main office.


What form?

He explains that I received a “release document” from the court that needed to be physically handed over to the DPS so my license could be reinstated.

“You gotta be kidding me!”

He didn’t seem amused.

“I recently moved to Ohio (lie) & I’m not familiar with this requirement. No one ever explained that to me!

“OK, maybe this is a stupid question, but since the court is part of the Ohio & Franklin County government system and so is the DPS, why don’t you guys simply communicate directly with DPS to share this information instead of forcing the citizen to make a special trip to hand over a piece of paper?”

I think I got him there! He seemed a little dazed. One more solid blow & I may have a knockout here!

I repeat the offer I made to Justice Taylor to spend a day reviewing their various policies & procedures, but this time, I guarantee identified expense reductions in excess of $15MM!

Yes, before lunch!

“You won’t hafta pay for any expensive consultants that’ll take months…and several million dollars…to tell you the very same things that I will!”

He looked at me as if I was some 💩 head, noted my file & told me to tell that story to the judge later.

Instead of waiting for that, I simply left.

I drove home, found the sacred Dead Sea Scrolls 📜 in question & took the document over to the DPS main office. Not any DPS office, mind you, but the main one on Alum Road, totally on the complete other side of town from my place.

Never heard anything from them again! (And why would I even hafta to have seen the judge that afternoon?)

You cannot make this stuff up.

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