A Couple of Hairy Adventures

I used to have this one young lady who worked for me as a Team Leader. (At the USCC, we used to refer to them as “Branch Managers”, which I always thought was pretty silly, but it was an attempt, apparently, to “equate” them with the “real” branch managers out in our marketplaces across the country. Yeah, pretty silly.)

This young lady…for argument’s sake, let’s call her “Jennifer”…was very pretty, blond hair, & always gave a very “prim & proper” appearance.

Sometimes, I thought, a little too much so…

Her hair was always in place. She always dressed very conservatively (as well as pretty + conservatively). It would be difficult to pick her out in a lineup of Amish women. < < joke

(Note: I was just reminded that I would also use the word “frumpy” to describe her attire. 🤔 How ’bout we go with “matronly”?)

Anyway…

One day, she came in with a totally-new hairdo!

No bobby pins. No prim & proper look.

Her hair looked like very modern & “care-free”. A whole new look & honestly, she looked absolutely great!

It was still early that morning when I made a totally innocent & non-sexist remark (just as I would say to a guy who sported a totally-different ‘do), “Nice hair! It looks great!”

She turned to me & replied, “We lost power at home last night & it still hasn’t come back on. I wasn’t able to blow dry my hair this morning!”

So I found myself at a loss for words…which doesn’t really happen that often. Did I just somehow insult her?

I blurted out an apology, grabbed a cup of coffee & returned to the safety & confines of my office.

OK, this li’l story’s too short to stand on its own…

*thinks hard*

*hurts himself doing so*

One night, I was working really late at work. It was after Laurie had died & going home to a big ol’ empty house (Heather had already gotten herself an apartment) was pretty depressing.

I would often work rather late into the night (often, past 10, 11 PM), so when I got home, I’d just grab something to eat & then crash. I’d get up around 5 to do some e-mails & watch “Imus in the Morning” (a simulcast of his radio broadcast from NY).

Yes, you probably hafta google him…

Anyway, I’d regularly work pretty late. Actually, one evening, I was leaving rather early, around 8:45 (yes, I came in normal times ~8 AM) & was waiting for the elevator on the 2nd floor in Bldg III…I was serious about energy conservation.

Mine.

The elevator door opened & I stepped aside as one of the custodians came out, pushing one of those gigantic trash receptacles (into which he would empty everyone’s waste paper baskets).

He looks at me, looks at his watch, then says,”Half a day, heh, Mr. LoRusso?”

“Yeah, just being lazy tonight. Have a good evening!”

It was much later this one particular evening when I finished working, stepped into the elevator for that loooooong trip downstairs & headed out the back door. (I worked on the top floor of the building!)

(“Pssst, Mike, it’s a 2-story building!”

“Shaddup!”)

The side parking lot wasn’t lit particularly well & it was located right by our loading dock.

I headed out to my car which was parked in the 2nd row so I didn’t have too far to walk. My proposal for a moving sidewalk had been previously denied by Facilities Management…obviously!

In the semi-darkness, broken only by a single overhead light in the parking light, I suddenly hear this noise.

Late at night at the USCC, it was not unusual to hear, er, strange noises.

The howl of coyotes was not an unfamiliar sound late at night.

And our property had been donated to Citi years earlier, carved out of the Briggs Ranch. As such, we were surrounded on three sides by a working cattle farm with plenty of long-horned steer. I always felt so badly for those guys having to lug those gigantic things everywhere.

But this sound I’m hearing wasn’t something I was used to, at least, not around here.

It sounded like galloping. I could clearly hear the sound of hooves banging against the hard asphalt surface.

It wasn’t as clamorous as a horse’s gallop, but it was indeed getting louder…and closer.

As I clutched my attaché case tightly across my chest & headed out precariously to my car, all of a sudden, this “thing” comes charging across, right in front of me! It may have been a javelina or it could’ve been a wild boar, both of which are pretty common to the San Antonio area. However, I failed to bring my tape measure nor my scale with me that night to measure & weigh the sucker.

Yep, I nearly 💩 my 👖.

(For those of you unfamiliar with those creatures, wild boars can easily range up to 400 pounds & won’t hesitate to tear you apart with their tusks. They are mean suckers! I’ve personally seen what damage they’ve done to golf courses when they dug up the earth, foraging for nuts & such. 🐗

Unfortunately, the earth was covered by nice fairways, greens & low rough at the time these monsters came a-hunting!

They’re also called “feral hogs” & there are sooooooo many of them here in Texas (over 2.6MM!!!) that it’s actually always open season to hunt them down.

Javelinas (“peccary”) are not quite as large, around 100-125 lbs, nor nearly as dangerous, but encountering any fast-charging animal, really late at night, can easily loosen up the ol’ bowels.

Before driving off, I did lay a towel across my driver’s seat in case I suffered any flashbacks on the trip home!

Oh, well, I suppose it’s better than finding a rattler under your car…

I remember asking Security, when I first moved down from NY, why they carried guns since we had no cash on site at the time.

Well, that was my answer as snakes apparently sought out cool spots from the hot sun under people’s cars. (Editor’s note: Pls don’t give me any of that “check out their coloring” or “if they have these stripes/rings, then…” nonsense!!! If they’re slithering around on the ground & they’re bigger than a damned earthworm, then they’re lethal – – be it their venom or the heart attack they’ll give me!)

Seemed like no matter what time you left, you encountered some possible danger.

Yes, in addition to my wonderful “moving sidewalk” proposal, my ingenious “valet parking” idea was also shot down!

Coulda been a big moneymaker…

As always, thank you for listening!